Elizabeth and I have a dog named Zilly, a 60-pound rescue who thinks she’s a lap dog.
We’re not sure how old she is. Our vet’s best guess is 4 or 5.
We adopted her earlier this year after fostering her for about a year.
She’s a great dog, but we noticed something strange…
When we’re out walking and she sees or hears a branch fall from a tree, she goes bonkers!
She takes off like a rocket toward the fallen branch. More than once, she’s almost pulled my shoulder out of its socket and nearly pulled me off my feet.
The worst was a walk in the snow last February. Branches heavy with ice were snapping and falling all around us, and Zilly lost her mind.
We were grateful to get back home in one piece that day.
Most of the time, she’s a pretty chill dog. Except when a branch falls.
Elizabeth and I have tried to figure out why. We haven’t come up with anything that makes sense. Our best guess is that something happened to her before she joined our family.
We’ve asked Zilly about it, but so far she’s remained silent on the matter.
Zilly can’t tell us what happened. People can.
But in my experience, most of us have never been asked. And many of us couldn’t answer if we were.
We all have falling branches
Most of us have something that sets us off before we’ve had time to think.
With money, it might be a scary headline about the market. Or a big bill. Or an adult child asking for help.
Something happens, and we’re off and running. We may not even know why.
Where they come from
I’ve been doing this work for over 30 years. I’ve seen “falling branches” in many of the women I’ve worked with.
One woman had more than enough money to live well. Her plan showed she could spend about twice what she was spending. But any time she spent money on herself, like a trip or a new car, she felt guilty about it. Anxious.
One day we talked about it. She told me she grew up in a house where money was always tight. Her mother kept cash in a coffee can in the pantry and counted it every Friday evening after supper.
She’s been saving and “counting her own money” ever since.
However, behavior isn’t preordained based on our early lives and money lessons.
I’ve encountered people who grew up poor, but instead of becoming frugal “super savers” they instead become spendthrifts. They spend money as fast as they get their hands on it.
Similar childhood money lessons, but very different behaviors.
Another woman kept a big chunk of her savings in a checking account for years. She knew it wasn’t earning anything. She knew her cost of living was going up and her cash was losing ground to inflation.
But she remembers 2008. She watched her husband panic and sell everything near the bottom. To her, cash was the one thing nobody could take away. It was her security blanket.
You might have your own falling branches. For example:
Writing one more check to help out your grown son, even when it puts your own future at risk
Letting a brother or husband make all the money decisions, even though you’re fully capable of making your own decisions
A stack of unopened statements or bills on your kitchen counter
A consistent undercurrent of anxiety or fear that you’ll end up broke, living under a bridge eating cat food (more than one woman shared this with me verbatim)
Old habits that once kept us safe
None of this makes you a bad person or bad with money. Zilly isn’t a bad dog.
Somewhere along the way, each of these reactions made sense. They helped us feel safe when we needed it.
The problem is that we keep reacting long after the danger has passed. And that can lead us to make choices that don’t fit the life we want now. Or in the future.
It reminds me of this timeless quote from Viktor Frankl:
“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and freedom.”
I’m not a therapist. But when a client tells me about her parents or what happened to her in 2008, I listen closely. It often explains much more than her account statements do.
Once you notice your own falling branch, it tends to lose some of its pull.
Try this
The next time you feel a strong reaction around a money decision, pause and ask yourself:
What am I reacting to right now?
When did I first feel this way about money?
Does that reason still fit my life today?
You don’t need all the answers right away. Noticing your reaction is a great start.
And if you’d like someone to talk it through with, reply to this email. I’d be glad to listen.
Back to Zilly
Zilly still chases every falling branch. We still don’t know why, and we’ll likely never find out.
So when the wind picks up on our walks, I hold the leash with both hands.
What’s your falling branch?
Until next Wednesday,
Russ