“We’ve been married for more than 30 years and my husband just told me he wants a divorce.”
Here’s what’s probably running through your mind right now:
What do I do? What will my parents think? My friends?
Am I going to be okay? Whose side will our kids take?
Will I get to stay in our home? Or will I have to move?
These and 1,000,000 other questions are likely bouncing around in your head and creating a knot in your stomach
I’ve had this conversation before
Over the years, I’ve seen many women cry. Sometimes they sob.
A friend, a sister, a CPA, or a divorce lawyer sent them my way.
The life they pictured for themselves is falling apart. They didn’t choose this.
Many of these women weren’t very involved in the family finances. Not because they weren’t capable. But for 20, 30, even 40 years, their husband handled it.
Now they carry a new financial responsibility on top of the grief, the anger, and the fear.
They feel embarrassed to tell friends and family their marriage is ending. They don’t know what to say to their kids.
Some women feel so angry they want to spend big and fast, just to prove they’re OK. I get it. But it’s still a bad idea.
More than one woman has told me, half joking, that she’s scared of ending up broke and alone, eating cat food under a bridge.
She chuckles when she says it.
But there are threads of truth and fear in her words.
First, define “okay”
You can’t answer “am I going to be okay” until you know what “okay” means to you personally.
That’s the starting point.
For some women, okay means keeping the house.
For others, it means never asking anyone for money again.
Maybe for you it’s simply knowing what you have and what you can count on.
I’ve shared this Thomas Keating quote before:
“The chief act of the will is not effort but consent.”
In other words, most of us chase goals we never really chose for ourselves.
Someone else handed them to us.
In a divorce, that can happen again.
The life you were planning was built around your marriage. Your family.
Now it’s time for you to choose what “okay” means in your life.
You don’t have to do this alone
The biggest mistake I see is a woman deciding she has to handle this all on her own.
Instead, be your own best advocate. Learn where you stand today. Explore where you’re headed. Understand your choices.
But you don’t have to figure it all out by yourself.
Find a good family law attorney or mediator. Bring in a financial advisor who helps you understand and plan for the financial impact. Many women also talk to a therapist.
Some bring in a forensic accountant to help sort out what you and your husband actually own.
It takes strength to ask for help.
If your heart races or your stomach drops when you think about money right now, you’re not alone.
Money fear shows up in the body, not just the mind.
That reaction is common.
The four numbers that matter most
Here is where clear thinking starts.
Ask yourself four simple questions:
What do you own?
What do you owe?
What is your income?
What are your expenses?
You’ll need two sets of numbers:
what you and your husband hold together right now and
your best guess for what your numbers will look like after the divorce
That combined picture often matters most when it’s time to talk about spousal support. And how you split what you own and what you owe.
A few things can get tricky with these numbers.
Splitting a retirement account may need special paperwork called a QDRO.
Your health insurance may change if you were on your husband’s plan. COBRA has its own rules and deadlines when it comes to divorce.
Accounts and beneficiaries will need to be updated.
You don’t need to master all of this today. Just know it’s coming. This is where your team of professionals can help.
The sooner you know your real numbers, the sooner you can make decisions from a place of knowledge instead of fear.
This helps whether your husband is willing to discuss these matters with you or not.
And it’s smart to have everyone on your “divorce team” communicating and working together on your behalf.
I say this as a former Certified Divorce Financial Analyst. For some reason, their organization still lists me on their website.
Your turn
Start this week.
Write down what you own, what you owe, your income, and your expenses.
Do it for what you and your husband hold together.
Then make your best guess for your life after the divorce.
You don’t need every number to be perfect. You just need to start.
Once you have the numbers, ask yourself:
What will actually make you happy, weeks, months, and years from now, once the dust settles?
Think about your own life first.
Caring for the people you love still matters. So does caring for yourself.
Even if you’re also caring for and supporting your aging parents and/or your adult children.
During a divorce, that balance is easy to lose.
Knowing your numbers is a good start.
Having a plan matters too.
So does having someone in your corner who sticks around after the divorce papers are signed. And life goes on.
When you have all three, you’ll be okay.
If any of this brings something up for you, hit reply. Or reach out anytime.
And if you know a friend, a sister, or a coworker going through a divorce right now, feel free to send this her way. It might help her too.
A few more of my articles that might be helpful:
And if you’re happily married, please, please, please make sure you understand and are engaged in your family’s finances and decision making…
Until next Wednesday,
Russ
P.S. My Mom & Dad divorced more than 30 years ago, right around the time I finished college. My brothers and I have watched my Mom face some challenges that likely could have been avoided if she’d gotten some thoughtful advice along the way. That’s a big part of why I do this work.